The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump Read online

  2 Tweet criticising Megyn Kelly, 27 January 2016

  3 Interview with Don Lemon on CNN, referring to Megyn Kelly’s questioning of him during the US Republican Presidential primaries, 7 August 2015

  4 Tweet criticising Megyn Kelly, 16 February 2016

  Crazy Megyn Kelly1: a Haiku

  Lightweight reporter2

  Blood coming out of her wherever3

  Get a life Megyn4

  1 Tweet referring to Anthony Weiner, 25 April 2013

  2 Tweet, children spelt wrongly in tweet, 8 October 2012

  3 Tweet referencing Newtown child killings, 17 December 2012

  4 Washington Times interview about Trump’s guns, an H&K .45 and a .38 Smith & Wesson, 14 November 2012

  5 Campaign rally at Sioux Center, Iowa, 24 January 2016

  6 Describing how he would have stopped a would-be attacker at an Ohio campaign rally, 12 March 2016

  7 Tweet referencing the murder of Jessica Ridgeway, 13 October 2012

  8, 9 Tweet, 19 November 2012

  Pervert alert1

  Got to do something about these missing chidlren grabbed by the perverts2

  #Angels3

  I own a couple of different guns4

  I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody5

  Boom, boom, boom6

  Death to the pervert killer7

  It makes me feel so good to hit “sleazebags” back8

  Much better than seeing a psychiatrist (which I never have!)9

  1, 2 Donald Trump (1997), Trump: The Art of the Comeback, Times Books, New York

  3 Playboy interview, 2004

  4 Presidential bid announcement at Trump Tower, 16 June 2015

  Women have one of the great acts of all time1

  The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers2

  I wouldn’t mind if there were an anti-Viagra3

  That’s the kind of thinking our country needs right now4

  1 Tweet criticising Rosie O’Donnell, 15 December 2011

  2 TV clip used in Hillary Clinton attack advert, 23 September 2016

  3 Entertainment Tonight, CBS, 2006

  4 Tweet criticising Rosie O’Donnell, 9 November 2012

  Sad sack Rosie1: a Haiku

  That fat, ugly face2

  She talks like a truck driver3

  She’s got no talent4

  1, 2, 3 ‘Thank you’ rally in Wisconsin, 13 December 2016

  4 Tweet, 25 December 2013

  No days off1

  We are going to say “Merry Christmas” again2

  Merry Christmas3

  O.K., Christmas is over, now we can all go back to the wars of life4

  1 Speech in Hilton Head, South Carolina, 30 December 2015

  2 Rally in New Hampshire, 17 September 2015

  3 Interview with The Washington Post, 5 January 2016

  4 CNN Newsroom, CNN, 9 August 2016

  5 Campaign rally in Fresno, California, 27 May 2016

  6 Press conference, 26 May 2016

  7 Tweet criticising mainstream media outlets, 11 January 2017

  There’s something going on that we don’t know about1

  A lot of people are saying that bad things are happening out there2

  A lot of people are talking about it3

  I’m not saying that, and I’m not a conspiracy person4

  I’m not going to say it, because I’m not allowed to say it, because I want to be politically correct5

  I know nothing about it6

  The people truly get what’s going on7

  1 Wall Street Journal, 24 January 2016

  2 Impromptu call to NBC News, 24 November 2015

  3 Inaugural Address, 20 January 2017

  Photographic memory1

  I have the world’s greatest memory2

  The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer3

  1 Interview with Chris Wallace, Fox News Sunday, Fox News, 18 October 2015

  2 Speech in Hilton Head referencing the dangers of global warming, Hilton Head, South Carolina, 30 December 2015

  3 Remarks regarding his concerns about global warming at the Republican Jewish Coalition, 7 December 2015

  4 Letter co-signed by Trump and family to Barack Obama, urging him to coordinate global action on climate change, 6 December 2009

  5 Tweet, 10 September 2013

  6 Complaining that the room was too hot at a campaign town hall event in Virginia, 26 July 2016

  We’ll be fine with the environment1

  They say Don’t use hair spray, it’s bad for the ozone;2

  Global warming is our biggest threat;3

  If we fail to act now, it is scientifically irrefutable that there will be catastrophic and irreversible consequences for humanity and our planet.4

  Too boring!5

  Try turning on the air conditioning6

  1 Tweet, 25 November 2014

  2, 3, 4 The New York Times interview, 29 March 2009

  5 Alabama pep rally, CNN Tonight, CNN, 21 August 2015

  6 Fox News Special Report, 6 October 2015

  7 Tweet, 29 June 2013

  8 Interview with Wolf Blitzer, CNN, 21 March 2016

  9 In reference to his German roots in the documentary Kings of Kallstadt, dir Simone Wendel, 2014

  10 Presidential bid announcement at Trump Tower, 16 June 2015

  11 Tweet, 28 September 2014

  12 Campaign rally in Muscatine, Iowa, 25 January 2016

  Good genes1

  “All men are created equal”2

  Well it’s not true3

  Some are smart, some aren’t4

  Do we believe in the gene thing? I mean, I do!5

  I’m blessed with good genes6

  Good (great) brain.7 Good-sized hands.8 German blood.9

  We have people that are stupid10

  They cannot help the fact that they were born fucked up11

  Slow horses don’t produce fast horses12

  1 Tweet criticising John McCain, 11 October 2016

  2 Tweet criticising John McCain, 16 July 2015

  3 Tweet criticising John McCain, 9 February 2017

  4 Forum in Ames, Iowa, 18 July 2015

  Very foul-mouthed Sen. John McCain1: a Haiku

  Graduated last2

  Doesn’t know how to win3

  Not a war hero4

  1 Tweet about the Celebrity Apprentice final, 20 May 2011

  2 Tweet, 5 September 2014

  3 Said to President Xi Jinping of China over chocolate cake, as referenced on Mornings with Maria, 12 April 2017

  4 Tweet, 25 March 2013

  Get ready for some excitement1

  China is going to complete 59 new theme parks by 20202

  We’ve just fired 59 missiles3

  Fireworks!4

  1 Tweet criticising Megyn Kelly, 10 August 2015

  2 Campaign rally in Hilton Head, South Carolina, 30 December 2015

  3 Oval Office interview with Associated Press, 23 April 2017

  4 ‘Politics and Eggs’ event, Manchester, New Hampshire, November 2015

  5 Response to a question in a Reddit ‘Ask me anything’, 27 July 2016

  6 Tweet, 4 February 2015

  I am the innocent (pure) one!1

  I love the universe2

  The bigness of it all3

  Space is terrific4

  Honestly I think NASA is wonderful5

  Reach out, seek and explore6

  1 Tweet criticising Jeb Bush’s Republican Presidential nominee campaign, 23 March 2016

  2 Tweet criticising Jeb Bush’s Republican Presidential nominee campaign, 2 January 2016

  3 Republican debate in South Carolina, 14 February 2016

  4 Tweet criticising Jeb Bush’s Republican Presidential nominee campaign, 17 February 2016

  Low energy Jeb1: a Haiku

  Low energy “stiff ”2

  Said he would take his pants off3

  He wants to look cool4
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  1 Outlining his approach to foreign policy in speech in Walterboro, South Carolina, 17 February 2016

  2 Speech at the National Federation of Republican Assemblies Convention in Nashville, Tennessee, 29 August 2015

  3 Tweet referring to Jeb Bush’s slogan ‘Jeb can fix it’, 1 November 2015

  4, 5 Report on interview with CNN’s Jake Tapper, 19 June 2015

  6 Rally in Las Vegas, 8 October 2015

  7 Key Capitol Hill hearings, CSPAN, 9 October 2015

  8 Statement on Facebook following release of Access Hollywood tapes, 7 October 2016

  I want to be good1

  I really want to be a nice person and I am a nice person2

  I never thought of Jeb as a crook3

  I actually felt bad because I hit him very hard one day . . . and I said, why am I hitting him so hard?4

  I think he’s a wonderful man5

  I called Rubio a lightweight6

  He may be a nice guy. I really don’t know him7

  I’ve said and done things I regret8

  1 Meeting with the Washington Post editorial board, 21 March 2016

  2 Interview with Wolf Blitzer, CNN, 21 March 2016

  3 Tweet promoting (and quoting from) his book The Midas Touch, 6 April 2012

  My hands are normal hands1

  I buy a slightly smaller than large glove2

  The five fingers represent the five key factors every entrepreneur dreaming of success must master3

  1, 5 Paris Climate Accord exit speech, 1 June 2017

  2 Tweet, 17 September 2012

  3 Tweet, 19 October 2015

  4 Tweet, 25 January 2014

  6 Tweet, 27 May 2013

  Pittsburgh, not Paris1

  Kate Middleton is great – but she shouldn’t be sunbathing in the nude2

  It’s really cold outside3

  NBC News just called it the Great Freeze4

  Thus, as of today, the United States will cease all implementation of the non-binding Paris Accord5

  We want global warming right now!6

  1 Interview with Tucker Carlson, Fox News, 17 March 2017

  2 Letter to The New York Times, 11 September 2005

  3, 4 Fox Friends interview, Fox News, 28 February 2017

  5 Tweet, 18 November 2014

  I love to read1

  I’ve read John Updike, I’ve read Orhan Pamuk, I’ve read Philip Roth2

  I believe a lot of the stories are pure fiction3

  They just pull it out of the air4

  Gang of liars5

  1 Tweet criticising Bill Maher, 29 January 2014

  2 Tweet criticising Bill Maher, 31 October 2013

  3 Tweet regarding Maher’s failure to pay $5 million to charity if Trump could prove he was not ‘the spawn of his mother having sex with an orangutan’, 4 February 2013

  4 Tweet referring to the GOP nomination, 4 October 2015

  Failing comedian Bill Maher1: a Haiku

  A very dumb guy2

  So today I will sue him3

  I’m going to win!4

  1 Campaign rally in Hilton Head, South Carolina, 30 December 2015

  2 White House press conference, 16 February 2017

  3 South Carolina Campaign rally, 10 February 2016

  4 Tweet, 20 August 2016

  5 Tweet criticising Barack Obama, 5 May 2014

  6 Tweet criticising Democratic Party healthcare policies, 26 April 2017

  7 Tweet, 20 February 2013

  8 Tweet criticising Barack Obama, 23 September 2014

  9 Tweet criticising Chinese government, 6 September 2012

  10 Tweet promoting Trump National Golf Club, 18 March 2015

  11 Tweet, 16 April 2016

  12 Tweet criticising Hillary Clinton, 3 August 2016

  13 Tweet, 13 April 2013

  14 Tweet criticising bailouts paid to banks, 10 February 2012

  15 Tweet criticising Obama administration’s foreign policy, 7 March 2017

  16 Tweet supporting Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Giménez’s dropping of county sanctuary policy, 26 January 2017

  17 Tweet responding to Breitbart polling of US Presidential candidate support, 28 July 2016

  18 Tweet criticising Obama administration’s taxation policies, 3 July 2012

  19 Tweet, 22 May 2014

  20 Tweet criticising perceived Chinese foreign and economic policies, 2 January 2017

  21 Tweet praising Russian foreign policy efforts, 10 September 2013

  22 Tweet, 25 April 2015

  23 Speech after winning the Florida, Illinois and North Carolina primaries, 15 March 2016

  I have the best words1

  I think I’ll say a few words2

  Okay. Are you ready?3

  Good!4 Bad!5 Sad!6 Loser!7 Terrible!8 Outrageous!9 Spectacular!10 Fantastic!11 Scandal!12 Smart!13 Stupid!14 Weak!15 Strong!16 Great!17 Shameful!18 Beautiful!19 Nice!20 Dangerous!21 Love those words22

  And there’s so many more!23

  1 Oval Office interview with Reuters, 24 February 2017

  2 Tweet promoting Trump Hotel Panama, 21 November 2013

  3 News conference at Trump Tower, 11 January 2017

  4 Speech after winning the Florida, Illinois and North Carolina primaries, 15 March 2016

  5 Referring to judging beauty pageant, The Howard Stern Show, 2005

  6 Describing the scene in Studio 54, Playboy interview, 2004

  7 Speech in Hilton Head, South Carolina, 30 December 2015

  8 Access Hollywood tape, 2005

  9 Tweet about how handsome Stephen Baldwin’s mother allegedly thinks Trump is, 24 March 2013

  10 Tweet referring to Jeb Bush’s photoshopped image in a campaign advert, 22 August 2015

  11 Describing Russian politician Alexander Lebed, The New Yorker, 19 May 1997

  12 Used in speech in Manchester, New Hampshire, 28 October 2016

  13 Tweet responding to Republican President nominee polling data from Idaho, 7 March 2016

  14 Used in tweet criticising Barack Obama, 12 March 2012

  A dream1

  Trump Panama offers fine dining, five pools and luxury rooms2

  In those rooms you have cameras in the strangest places3

  I’m watching . . . we have televisions all over4

  You see these incredible-looking women5

  The top models in the world getting screwed on tables6

  Then, all of the sudden, the cameras swerve7

  And all of a sudden I see her8

  Stephen Baldwin’s mother9

  She’s totally changed her look8

  She’s now got the big phoney tits8

  A black left hand and much different looking body10

  That nose is a piece of rubber11

  And she says:12

  I love your potatoes.13

  Weird14

  1, 7 Graduation speech to coastguard cadets, 17 May 2017

  2 Tweet, 10 December 2015

  3 Speech in Des Moines, Iowa, 11 December 2015

  4 Tweet, 30 May 2016

  5 White House town hall with CEOs and business leaders, CSPAN, 4 April 2017

  6 Tweet, 27 February 2016

  Look at the way I’ve been treated lately1

  I should have been Time Magazine’s Person of the Year2

  Just like I should have gotten the Emmy for The Apprentice3

  I should have easily won the Trump University case4

  I should have won New York state but I didn’t5

  I unfairly get audited by the I.R.S. almost every single year6

  No politician in history – and I say this with great surety – has been treated worse or more unfairly7

  1 Speech in Novi, Michigan, 30 September 2016

  2 The Apprentice, season 1 episode 1

  3 The Apprentice, season 2 episode 1

  4 The Apprentice, season 3 episode 1

  5 The Apprentice, season 4 episode 1

  6 The Apprentice, season 5 episode 1

  7 The Apprentice, season 6 e
pisode 1

  8 The Apprentice, season 7 episode 1

  9 The Apprentice, season 8 episode 1

  10 The Apprentice, season 9 episode 1

  11 The Apprentice, season 10 episode 1

  12 The Apprentice, season 11 episode 1

  13 The Apprentice, season 12 episode 1

  14 The Apprentice, season 13 episode 1

  15 The Apprentice, season 14 episode 1

  16 Letter firing FBI Director James Comey, 9 May 2017

  My two favorite words1

  You’re fired2

  You’re fired3

  You’re fired4

  You’re fired5

  You’re fired6

  You’re fired7

  You’re fired8

  You’re fired9

  You’re fired10

  You’re fired11

  You’re fired12

  You’re fired13

  You’re fired14

  You’re fired15

  You are hereby terminated16

  1 Victory speech in New Hampshire, 9 February 2016

  2 Presidential bid announcement at Trump Tower, 16 June 2015

  3 Referring to Syrian refugees at a campaign rally in Newton, Iowa, 11 November 2016

  4, 5 Tweet, 29 March 2016. It was a pen.

  6 First solo White House press conference, 16 February 2017

  7 Tweet, 10 March 2013

  8 Campaign rally in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, Key Capitol Hill hearings, 8 December 2015