The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump Read online

  3 Presidential bid announcement at Trump Tower, 16 June 2015

  4 Campaign rally in Plymouth, New Hampshire, CSPAN, 7 February 2016

  5 Hannity, Fox News, 29 February 2016

  I am the best1

  I predicted Apple’s stock fall2

  I will build a great, great wall3

  I build buildings that are 94 storeys tall4

  My hands aren’t – are they small?5

  1 Tweet criticising Hillary Clinton, 7 May 2016

  2 Speech in Grand Rapids, Michigan, 21 December 2015

  3 US Presidential debate in Las Vegas, 19 October 2016

  4 Tweet advertising rally in Warren, Michigan, 31 October 2016

  Crooked Hillary1: a Haiku

  She got schlonged, she lost2

  A nasty horrid woman3

  Time to drain the swamp4

  1 Referring to ISIS in an interview with Circa, 7 August 2016

  2 Tweet criticising Anthony Weiner, 6 July 2012

  3 Interview answer with Sean Hannity about ISIS fighters, 26 January 2017

  4 Interview with The New York Times, 23 November 2016

  5 Speech in Washington DC, 27 April 2016

  6 Tweet referencing Trump Tower restaurant, Trump Grill, 29 November 2012

  We are going to have to get rid of them1

  Weasels are hard to get rid of2

  They don’t wear uniforms. They’re sneaky, dirty rats3

  It’s been 18 months of brutality in a true sense4

  But we won5

  Trump Grill just received the highest sanitary inspection grade possible6

  1 Remarks at a Congressional leadership luncheon at Trump International Hotel, 19 January 2017

  2 Veterans Affairs Listening Session, 17 March 2017

  3 News conference with Theresa May, 27 January 2017

  4 Tweet, 18 September 2013

  We have by far the highest IQ of any Cabinet ever assembled1

  I appointed today the head secretary of the Veterans Administration, David Shulkin2

  General Kelly is going to do a fantastic job at Homeland Security3

  Ben Affleck is going to do a great job as Batman4

  1 Presidential debate at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, 19 October 2016

  2 Live town hall event, Today, NBC, 21 April 2016

  3 Live town hall event, Today, NBC, 21 April 2016

  4 Hannity, Fox News, 27 August 2016

  5 Meet the Press, MSNBC, 10 January 2016

  6 Key Capitol Hill hearings, 30 December 2015

  7 MSNBC, 12 March 2016

  8 Tweet, 17 May 2013

  Bad hombres1

  I’ve known some bad dudes2

  I’ve been at parties3

  They want to do serious harm4

  I’ve seen and I’ve watched things like with guns5

  I know a lot of tough guys but they’re not smart6

  We’re dealing with people that are animals7

  But they are the folks I like the best – by far!8

  1 Tweet referencing Russian air strikes against ISIS, 16 November 2015

  2 Morning Joe, MSNBC, 18 December 2015

  3 Tweet claiming praise from Vladimir Putin, 27 July 2016

  4 Receiving ‘a great honor’ of a compliment from ‘a man so highly respected within his own country and beyond’, at a rally in Columbus, Ohio, 17 December 2015

  President Putin:1 a Haiku

  Is a strong leader2

  Said “Trump is a genius”3

  Highly respected4

  1 After addressing the National Federation of Republican Assemblies in Nashville, Tennessee, 30 August 2015

  2 This Week, ABC News, 19 July 2015

  3 Inside Politics, CNN, 11 January 2017

  4 Tweet criticising Barack Obama, 8 December 2013

  5 Comment at rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico, 24 May 2016, in reference to Hillary Clinton loyalist Ed Rendell’s statement about ‘ugly women’

  All I ask is fairness1

  People are constantly attacking my hair2

  I think it’s very unfair3

  Obama said he never met his uncle, Oscar4

  Imagine if I made that statement?

  It would be the electric chair5

  1, 9 Early Start with John Berman and Christine Romans, CNN, 1 June 2016

  2 Tweet criticising Jeb Bush’s Republican Presidential nominee campaign, 2 January 2016

  3 Entertainment Tonight, CBS, 21 December 2006

  4 Tweet criticising Carly Fiorina, 21 September 2015

  5 Tweet criticising Sacha Baron Cohen, 27 February 2012

  6 Tweet criticising Jon Stewart, 30 May 2015

  7 News 3 Live at Twelve-Thirty, NBC, 25 August 2016

  8 Tweet criticising Lord Alan Sugar’s conflict with Piers Morgan, 10 December 2012

  10 Tweet criticising Lord Alan Sugar, 6 December 2012

  These people are losers1

  Jeb Bush is a low energy stiff2

  Rosie O’Donnell’s disgusting, both inside and out3

  Carly Fiorina is terrible at business4

  Sacha Baron Cohen is a moron5

  Jon Stewart is a joke, not very bright and totally overrated6

  Cher is somewhat of a loser7

  Lord Sugar – you’re a total loser who Piers Morgan doesn’t think is very smart or very rich8

  These people are losers9

  Thank the real Lord that Donald Trump exists10

  1 Tweet criticising Lord Alan Sugar, 6 December 2012

  2 Tweet criticising Lord Alan Sugar, 10 May 2013

  3 Tweet criticising Lord Alan Sugar, 11 May 2013

  4 Tweet criticising Lord Alan Sugar, 7 December 2012

  Dopey Lord Sugar1: a Haiku

  Can’t get himself arrested2

  Is a laughing stock3

  A total loser4

  1 No Labels Problem Solver Convention in Manchester, New Hampshire, 12 October 2015

  2 Howard Stern recounts comment made by Trump at the latter’s wedding to Maria Maples, The Howard Stern Show, January 1997

  3 Tweet supporting birther movement, 27 August 2012

  I respect women, I love women, I cherish women1

  Vagina is expensive2

  No more apologies – take the offensive!3

  1 Tweet criticising Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton’s US Presidential campaign, 6 May 2016

  2 Tweet insulting Elizabeth Warren, 10 June 2016

  3 Phone call to NBC News derisively referencing Elizabeth Warren’s Native American heritage, 27 July 2016

  4 Tweet questioning Elizabeth Warren’s Native American heritage, 6 May 2016

  Goofy Elizabeth Warren1: a Haiku

  Has a nasty mouth2

  We call her Pocahontas3

  I say she’s a fraud4

  1 Interview with Anderson Cooper, CNN, 8 July 2015

  2 Interview with Bob Woodward and Robert Costas, 8 April 2016

  3 Address to supporters in Lawrenceville, New Jersey, CSPAN, 20 May 2016

  4 Interview with CNN, 21 February 2016

  5 Washington This Week, CSPAN, 3 April 2016

  6 CNN Tonight with Don Lemon, CNN, 30 September 2015

  7 New York Magazine, 13 December 2004

  8 Morning Joe, MSNBC, 24 July 2015

  9 Media Buzz, Fox News, 25 January 2016

  10 First Look, MSNBC, 4 September 2015

  11 America This Morning, ABC, 9 October 2015

  12 Meet the Press, NBC, 24 January 2016

  13 Anderson Cooper 360 GOP Town Hall, CNN, 19 February 2016

  14 Remarks at Iowa State Fair on how he believed people would respond to his immigration policies, 15 August 2015

  15 Tweet threatening Ted Cruz, 22 March 2016

  Everybody loves me1

  Tom Brady loves me2

  The people of New York, they love me3

  Upstate New York, I’m like the most popular person that’s ever lived4

  The bikers love me5

  Y
ou know who loves me? The Tea Party, the evangelicals6

  My children could not love me more if I spent fifteen times more time with them7

  The vets love me8

  The African Americans love me9

  The Asians love me10

  Many Hispanics who love me11

  Most conservatives love me12

  Society loves me13

  You are going to love me14

  Or I will spill the beans on your wife!15

  1 Tweet criticising Ted Cruz, 1 April 2016

  2 Tweet criticising Ted Cruz, 25 January 2016

  3 Tweet criticising Ted Cruz, 13 February 2016

  4 Reference to audience member at rally, Manchester, New Hampshire, 9 February 2016

  Lyin’ Ted:1 a Haiku

  A nervous wreck2

  Holds the bible high and then lies3

  He’s a pussy4

  1 Tweet criticising Marco Rubio, 28 February 2016

  2, 3 Tweet criticising Marco Rubio, 26 February 2016

  4 Tweet, actually describing a speech by Hillary Clinton, 25 August 2016

  Little Marco1: a Haiku

  Not presidential2

  Like a little boy on stage3

  Very short and lies4

  1 Speech in Tampa, Florida, 5 November 2016

  2 Speech in Loudon County, Virginia, 2 August 2016

  3 Cutting short an interview on Face the Nation, CBS, 1 May 2017

  4, 5 Discussing extending his family in an interview on The Howard Stern Show.

  6 Commenting on the current Mexican border fences on 60 Minutes, 27 September 2015

  Look at this baby1

  That is a great, beautiful baby1

  It’s young and beautiful and healthy2

  I love babies2

  What a baby2

  What a beautiful baby2

  ...

  Okay that’s enough3

  You can get the baby out of here2

  I like kids4

  I won’t do anything to take care of them5

  They’re ugly, little and don’t work6

  1 Playboy interview, 2004

  2 Conference call with members of the Alabama Republican Party, 11 September 2015

  Slowly the hair dries1

  It’s a process that can take 18 months to two years2

  1 Fox News Sunday, Fox News, 11 December 2016

  2 Tweet criticising Apple, Inc. stance on encryption, 19 February 2016

  3 Donald Trump (2016), Great Again: How to Fix Our Crippled America, Threshold Editions, Simon & Schuster: New York, p. 96

  I am open-minded1

  I use both iPhone and Samsung2

  A great leader has to be flexible3

  1 Tweet criticising mainstream media outlets, 16 January 2017

  2 Tweet criticising the BBC, 22 October 2012

  3 Tweet criticising The New York Times, 19 August 2016

  4 Press conference, 16 February 2017, regarding news stories about ties to Russia

  5 Tweet criticising CNN, 4 October 2016

  6 Tweet criticising Saturday Night Live, 16 October 2016

  7 Interview on 60 Minutes, CBS, 27 September 2015

  Very dishonest media1

  The BBC is in total disarray2

  The failing New York Times gets worse and worse by the day3

  The leaks are absolutely real. The news is fake4

  I’m turning to Fox News where we get a fair shake5

  Watched Saturday Night Live hit job on me6

  I don’t call it thin-skinned. I’m angry7

  1, 4 Interview on ABC News, ABC, 25 January 2017

  2 Referring to plans to tax Chinese goods in speech in Las Vegas, 28 April 2011

  3 Interview on 60 Minutes, CBS, 27 September 2015

  5 Tweet supporting use of sleep deprivation on terrorist suspects, 11 December 2014

  6 Tweet with video link of Trump singing a cover version of Carly Rae Jepsen’s ‘Call Me Maybe’ with Giuliana Rancic, 6 September 2012

  7 Campaign rally in Denver, Colorado, 1 August 2016

  Does torture work?1

  Listen you motherfuckers2

  Not everything is nice3

  Waterboarding4

  Sleep deprivation5

  Me singing “Call me maybe”6

  I’m not saying it’s pleasant but believe me, it works7

  1 Supporters’ rally in Nashville, Tennessee, 15 March 2017

  2 WWE Hall of Fame acceptance speech, 6 April 2013

  3 News conference, 3 November 2015

  Fake news, folks1

  It all began with WrestleMania number 42

  That was staged by the Democrats3

  1, 2 Tweet criticising Glenn Beck, 21 January 2016

  3 Tweet criticising Glenn Beck’s TheBlaze network, 16 December 2015

  4 Tweet criticising Glenn Beck, 29 October 2015

  Wacko Glenn Beck1: a Haiku

  Crying lost soul2

  Got fired like a dog by Fox3

  Mental basketcase4

  1 Town hall in Janesville, Wisconsin, 29 March 2016

  2, 3 White House press conference, 16 February 2017

  4 Victory speech on the night of Super Tuesday II, 15 March 2016

  5 Campaign rally in Walterboro, South Carolina, 17 February 2016

  We’ve got to stop the stupid1

  You know what uranium is, right?2

  It’s a thing called nuclear weapons and other things like lots of things that are done with uranium including some bad things3

  I have to explain to these people, they don’t understand basic physics, basic mathematics, whatever you want to call it4

  I mean, they’re like stupid5

  1 Discussing losing his virginity on The Howard Stern Show, 1997

  2 Tweet, 21 April 2013

  3 Quoted as saying this to two fourteen-year-old girls in the Chicago Tribune, December 1992

  4 To Brande Roderick on The Celebrity Apprentice, 2013 season

  5 The New Yorker, 19 May 1997

  6 Speech after winning Florida, Illinois and North Carolina primaries, 15 March 2016

  Hot little girl in high school1

  I’m a very compassionate person (with a very high IQ)2

  Just think, in a couple of years I’ll be dating you3

  It must be a pretty picture, you dropping to your knees4

  Come here, I’ll show you how life works.5 Please6

  1 Key Capitol Hill hearings, 30 December 2015

  2 The Rachel Maddow Show, CNBC, 26 May 2017

  3 Campaign speech in Des Moines, Iowa, 11 December 2015

  Get the oil, get the oil, get the oil1

  You heard me, I would take the oil2

  I know, it’s crude3

  1 Appearance in an advert for Trump Steaks, 2007

  2 Referring to a dinner at Mar-a-Lago with President Xi Jinping of China during interview, Mornings with Maria, Fox Business, 12 April 2017

  3 Tweet promoting the meatloaf at Mar-a-Lago, 29 December 2011

  4 Tweet promoting the Donald J. Trump signature clothing line at Macy’s, 26 June 2014

  5 The O’Reilly Factor, Fox News, 28 April 2016

  6 Statement, White House website, 20 January 2017

  7 Trump’s first address to Congress, 28 February 2017

  8 Tweet, 15 April 2014

  9 Referring to his plans for North Korea in an interview with Maria Bartiromo, Fox Business, 12 April 2017

  10 Tweet promoting Trump International Toronto, 2 November 2012

  11 Tweet congratulating Andre Reed, 29 July 2014

  Treat yourself to the very, very best life has to offer1

  The most beautiful piece of chocolate cake2

  The world’s greatest steaks1

  The best meatloaf in America3

  The best ties & shirts at the best prices4

  Beautiful humvees and rifles5

  A state-of-the-art missile defense system6

  The fantastic new F-35 fighter jet7 – exclusively avai
lable at Macy’s8

  An armada, very powerful9

  Luxury at its finest10

  You deserve it!11

  1 Access Hollywood tape, 2005

  2 Proclaiming National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month, 31 March 2017

  You can do anything1

  At the heart of our country is the emphatic belief that every person has unique and infinite value2

  (I just start kissing them)1

  On average there are more than 300,000 instances of rape or other sexual assault that afflict our neighbors and loved ones every year2

  (It’s like a magnet)1

  We all share the responsibility to reduce and ultimately end sexual violence2

  (I don’t even wait)1

  Recent research has demonstrated the effectiveness of changing social norms that accept or allow indifference to sexual violence2

  (You can do anything)1

  Our families, schools, and communities must encourage respect for women2

  (Grab them by the pussy)1

  Together, we can and must protect our loved ones, families, campuses, and communities from the devastating and pervasive effects of sexual assault2

  (You can do anything)1

  1 Tweet criticising Megyn Kelly for interviewing Ted Cruz, 17 March 2016