The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump Read online

  The Beautiful Poetry of

  Donald Trump

  Created by Rob Sears

  CANONGATE

  Published in Great Britain in 2017 by Canongate Books Ltd,

  14 High Street, Edinburgh EH1 1TE

  canongate.co.uk

  This digital edition first published in 2017 by Canongate Books

  Copyright © Rob Sears, 2017

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

  A catalogue record for this book is available on request from the British Library

  ISBN 978 1 78689 227 0

  eISBN 978 1 78689 229 4

  Cover concept by Rob Sears

  Initial page design by Paula Amaral

  Typeset in Minion Pro by Palimpsest Book Production Ltd,

  Falkirk, Stirlingshire

  1 Inaugural address in Washington, DC, as the 45th President of the United States, 20 January 2017

  People of the world, thank you1

  Contents

  Editor’s notes

  The Poems

  A beautiful, simple life

  I’m really rich

  This country is going to hell in a handbasket

  Barack Hussein Obama (aka Barry Soetoro): a Haiku

  I am the least racist person there is

  Deviant Anthony Weiner: a Haiku

  MAGA!

  I am the most fabulous whiner

  I won!

  I make this promise

  I am the best

  Crooked Hillary: a Haiku

  We are going to have to get rid of them

  We have by far the highest IQ of any Cabinet ever assembled

  Bad hombres

  President Putin: a Haiku

  All I ask is fairness

  These people are losers

  Dopey Lord Sugar: a Haiku

  I respect women, I love women, I cherish women

  Goofy Elizabeth Warren: a Haiku

  Everybody loves me

  Lyin’ Ted: a Haiku

  Little Marco: a Haiku

  Look at this baby

  Slowly the hair dries

  I am open-minded

  Very dishonest media

  Does torture work?

  Fake news, folks

  Wacko Glenn Beck: a Haiku

  We’ve got to stop the stupid

  Hot little girl in high school

  Get the oil, get the oil, get the oil

  Treat yourself to the very, very best life has to offer

  You can do anything

  Crazy Megyn Kelly: a Haiku

  Pervert alert

  Women have one of the great acts of all time

  Sad sack Rosie: a Haiku

  No days off

  There’s something going on that we don’t know about

  Photographic memory

  We’ll be fine with the environment

  Good genes

  Very foul-mouthed Sen. John McCain: a Haiku

  Get ready for some excitement

  I am the innocent (pure) one!

  Low energy Jeb: a Haiku

  I want to be good

  My hands are normal hands

  Pittsburgh, not Paris

  I love to read

  Failing comedian Bill Maher: a Haiku

  I have the best words

  A dream

  Look at the way I’ve been treated lately

  My two favorite words

  What’s going on? What’s going on?

  I don’t know

  You have to be everything

  Acknowledgements

  Editor’s notes

  It is a little known alternative fact that the 45th President, Donald J. Trump, has long been a remarkable poet. This book aims to redress this oversight on the part of the literary world, and showcase his finest and most revealing words in a previously unseen form. Whether discoursing on politics, walls, gender issues or his own excellent genes, Trump’s poems are nothing if not beautiful. Terrific, in fact. Amazing. And they reveal a sensitive and shyly artistic side to Trump that may prompt a reappraisal of the man even among his critics.

  One of the many charges levelled at Donald Trump by those in the fake news media is that his use of English is lazily repetitive, perhaps indicating a dunderheaded and unimaginative thinker. But consider works like ‘My two favorite words’ (p. 117). Repetitious yes, but to deliberate, mesmerising effect. And look at the words that he most often comes back to: ‘love’ twelve times in ‘Everybody loves me’ (p. 45); ‘beautiful’ twelve times in ‘A beautiful, simple life’ (p. 3). This is not the work of a monotonous man, but an aesthete for whom love and beauty are wells of feeling to return to and draw from.

  There is a rebuttal here too to the charge that Trump’s rambling public speaking style evidences a disordered brain. ‘Slowly the hair dries’, ‘I am open-minded’, ‘Get ready for some excitement’ and ‘Fake news, folks’ (pp. 53, 55, 95 and 61) display the precision and concentrated brevity of a modern-day Basho or Larkin. Then there are the Trump Haikus (‘Little Marco’, ‘Sad sack Rosie’, ‘Lyin’ Ted’, ‘Crazy Megyn Kelly’, ‘Crooked Hillary’, ‘Low energy Jeb’, ‘Deviant Anthony Weiner’, ‘Dopey Lord Sugar’, ‘Barack Hussein Obama (aka Barry Soetoro)’, ‘Wacko Glenn Beck’, ‘President Putin’, ‘Failing comedian Bill Maher’, ‘Goofy Elizabeth Warren’ and ‘Very foul-mouthed Sen. John McCain’ – pp. 49, 81, 47, 75, 25, 99, 13, 39, 9, 63, 33, 109, 43 and 93). All are in formal 5-7-5 meter. All hit their targets like laser-guided Paveway missiles – testimony to a writer of supreme discipline and power.

  On a superficial reading of some of the poems, critics may hear only the voice of the Trump they think they know. ‘Photographic memory’, ‘I have the best words’, ‘Good genes’, ‘I’m really rich’, ‘Bad Hombres’ and ‘I am the most fabulous whiner’ (pp. 87, 111, 91, 5, 31 and 17) are bracingly braggadocious. Others are elemental in their anger, as though he woke at 4 a.m. in a white-hot rage to gouge them into Mar-a-Lago letterpaper (see ‘These people are losers’, ‘This country is going to hell in a handbasket’, ‘Pervert alert’, ‘Does torture work?’, ‘Get the oil, get the oil, get the oil’, ‘No days off ’ and ‘We’ve got to stop the stupid’ (pp. 37, 7, 77, 59, 69, 83 and 65). But there is more here than technique and combative spirit. If we allow ourselves to listen, we can also hear the counterpoint of a quieter, less self-assured Trump, as when he breaks off his list of boasts in ‘I am the best’ (p. 23) to worry about the size of his appendages.

  Trump fully exposes his vulnerable underbelly in the poems ‘I want to be good’, ‘What’s going on? What’s going on?’, and the ironic ‘I won!’ (pp. 101, 119 and 19). Here we get a glimpse of real tragedy – a man born to win coming to terms with his awareness of his own failings – and it is hard to come away unmoved. Yet he never succumbs to self-obsession. In ‘All I ask is fairness’, ‘Very dishonest media’, ‘My hands are normal hands’, ‘Look at the way I’ve been treated lately’ and ‘I am the least racist person there is’ (pp. 35, 57, 103, 115 and 11), it is the injustice of a broken system and the effect of biased journalism on his country that drives Trump to verse.

  ‘A dream’, ‘I love to read’ and ‘I don’t know’ (pp. 113, 107 and 121) explore the innermost and least mapped parts of Trump’s psyche. ‘I am the innocent (pure) one!’ (p. 97) marks a foray into metaphysical poetry; in effect, it is a love letter to the entire universe. Although Melania Trump is, interestingly, not mentioned in any of the poems, we can also see Trump’s more traditional romantic persona rising to the fore in poems such as ‘Hot little girl in high school’ (p. 67), and ‘Look at this baby’
(p. 51) while two further poems comment wryly on the issue of gender relations, something Trump perhaps understands better than he lets on (‘I respect women, I love women, I cherish women’ and ‘Women have one of the great acts of all time’ – pp. 41 and 79).

  The greatest misapprehension about DJT corrected by this volume, however, may be the idea that he sees money and power as ends in themselves. In fact, just as Wilfred Owen turned his wartime experience into poetry, and Sylvia Plath found the dark beauty in her own depression, Trump is able to transform his unique experiences of being a winner into 24-karat verse. He didn’t build a huge real-estate empire for the billions; he did it so he could write poems like ‘Treat yourself to the very, very best life has to offer’ and ‘We are going to have to get rid of them’ (pp. 71 and 27). He didn’t go to Washington to be feared; he did it so he could alchemise his experiences into the poems ‘MAGA!’, ‘There’s something going on that we don’t know about’, ‘I make this promise’, ‘You can do anything’ and ‘We have by far the highest IQ of any Cabinet ever assembled’ (pp. 15, 85, 21, 73 and 29). And for his verse, he is prepared to risk everything – quite literally, the Earth (see ‘We’ll be fine with the environment’ and ‘Pittsburgh, not Paris’ – pp. 89 and 105).

  For readers who have trouble enjoying Trump’s poems because of their pre-existing views of his politics, one poem in particular, the Whitmanesque ‘You have to be everything’ (p. 123), is key. Here Trump advances a sophisticated theory of identity. He posits that we each contain many overlapping selves, each enacting different, sometimes contradictory performative roles. This helps us see how Trump the President can coexist with Trump the CEO, Trump the TV Mogul, Trump the Family Man – and Trump the Poet. You do not have to accept one to appreciate the other.

  N.B. To ensure the poems’ clarity of meaning, the Editor has changed references to people’s Twitter handles to their names, eliminated hashtags, has on occasion reduced words in all capitals to lower case, and, where aesthetically appropriate, removed the occasional exclamation point and changed ampersands to ‘and’.

  Rob Sears, 2017

  The Poems

  1 Happening Now, 12 October 2016

  2 With All Due Respect, MSNBC, 29 March 2016

  3 Remarks from the USS Gerald R. Ford in Virginia, 17 December 2016

  4 Remarks at the Congressional Republican Retreat in Philadelphia, 26 January 2017

  5 Anderson Cooper 360, CNN, 5 July 2016

  6 Campaign rally in Muscatine, Iowa, CSPAN, 25 January 2016

  7 Tweet promoting Miss Universe Pageant, 7 December 2012

  8 Key Capitol Hill hearings, CSPAN, 27 February 2015

  9 The O’Reilly Factor, Fox News, 28 April 2016

  10 National Press Club luncheon, CSPAN, 31 May 2014

  11 Hannity, Fox News, 15 July 2015

  12 Hannity, Fox News, 15 August 2015

  13 Hotel opening, CSPAN, 27 October 2016

  A beautiful, simple life1

  Beautiful bikes2

  Beautiful aircraft carriers3

  Beautiful coal4

  Beautiful lie by Crooked Hillary5

  Beautiful hats6

  Beautiful women7

  Beautiful tanks8

  Beautiful Humvees9

  Beautiful copper piping10

  Beautiful auto plant11

  Beautiful marines12

  I’ve never seen scissors that look this beautiful before13

  1 Presidential bid announcement at Trump Tower, 16 June 2015

  2 Tweet promoting his ‘Elmsford’ crystal collection, 13 September 2011

  3 Interview with The Des Moines Register, 1 June 2015

  4 Speech in Hilton Head, South Carolina, 30 December 2015

  5 Playboy interview, 2004

  6 Tweet congratulating Rush Limbaugh on 26th anniversary of broadcast career, 5 August 2014

  7 Tweet sharing the golden rule of marketing, 21 March 2013

  I’m really rich1

  I’m very proud of my new crystal collection2

  I have a Gucci store that’s worth more than Romney3

  I order thousands of televisions a year4

  Six people do nothing but sort my mail5

  Sorry haters and losers!6

  He who has the gold makes the rules7

  1 Explaining why he was considering running for President in an interview with The Washington Times, 10 June 2013

  2 Tweet commenting on USAF anti-sexual assault unit head’s arrest for sexual assault, 7 May 2013

  3 Tweet criticising New York Fashion Week, 15 September 2013

  4 Tweet criticising Vanity Fair, 9 April 2012

  5 Interview at the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas, The New York Times, 1 May 2011

  6 Tweet criticising US Postal Service, 6 February 2013

  This country is going to hell in a handbasket1

  It just seems that our country is not what it used to be2

  New York Fashion Week is really bad and used to be so glamorous and exciting3

  Vanity Fair Magazine, which used to be one of my favorites, is failing badly4

  A lot of people are switching to these really long putters. Very unattractive5

  Our poor, poor country6

  1 Tweet criticising Barack Obama, 17 October 2012

  2 Tweet criticising Barack Obama, 15 October 2012

  3 Tweet criticising Barack Obama, 6 June 2014

  4 Rally in Sunrise, Florida, 11 August 2016

  Barack Hussein Obama (aka Barry Soetoro)1: a Haiku

  Is not who you think2

  The worst ever president3

  Founder of ISIS4

  1 Fox & Friends, Fox News, 9 May 2011

  2 Interview on Talk1300 AM, 14 April 2011

  3 Tweet referencing Tiger Woods’ marital infidelity and later victory at Trump National Doral, 20 March 2013

  4 In answer to a question about possible VP picks in an interview with Larry King, 7 October 1999

  5 Press conference, 3 September 2015

  6, 7 Playboy interview, 1 October 2004

  8 Annotation by Trump on article by Jonathan Capehart, which he sent to the journalist – tweeted by Capehart, 8 July 2015

  I am the least racist person there is1

  I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks2

  I remained strong for Tiger Woods during his difficult period3

  Oprah, I love Oprah. Oprah would always be my first choice4

  Kanye West – I love him5

  I think Eminem is fantastic, and most people think I wouldn’t like Eminem6

  And did you know my name is in more black songs than any other name in hip-hop?7

  You are the racist, not I8

  1 Tweet criticising Anthony Weiner, 18 March 2013

  2, 3 Interview with Greta Van Susteren on Fox News, 24 July 2013

  4 Tweet criticising Anthony Weiner, 24 July 2013

  Deviant Anthony Weiner1: a Haiku

  Very sick puppy2

  A screamer and a shouter3

  He will never change4

  1 Tweet criticising Hillary Clinton, 21 December 2015

  2 Tweet referencing Will Smith’s red carpet incident, 21 May 2012

  3 Campaign rally in St Augustine, Florida, 24 October 2016

  4 Tweet criticising Sarah Jessica Parker, 26 October 2012

  5 Tweet, 3 February 2017

  6 Discussing female beauty in an interview on The Howard Stern Show, 2005

  7 Hardball with Chris Matthews, MSNBC, 22 April 2016

  MAGA!1

  Will Smith did a great job by smacking the guy “reporter” who kissed him2

  Together we’re going to fix our rigged system3

  Sarah Jessica Parker voted “unsexiest woman alive” – I agree4

  We must keep “evil” out of our country5

  A person who is very flat chested is very hard to be a ten6

  We’re going to make America great again7

  1, 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10 New Day, CNN,
11 August 2015

  2 Trump town hall, CNN, 12 April 2016

  4 CNN Special, 3 March 2016

  8 Campaign stop at Albemarle Estates, Virginia, 14 July 2015

  I am the most fabulous whiner1

  I own the largest winery on the east coast2

  I do whine3

  We make the finest wine4

  Because I want to win5

  And I’m not happy about not winning6

  And I am a whiner7

  Many different kind of wines8

  And I’m a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win9

  And I’m going to win10

  1 Tweet referencing US Presidential debate, 21 October 2016

  2 The Apprentice, 2004 season

  I won!1

  Well, we’ve had some disasters, but this is the worst2

  1 Republican nomination acceptance speech, 21 July 2016

  2 Presidential inauguration vows, 20 January 2017

  3 Presidential bid announcement at Trump Tower, 16 June 2015, referring to a leg injury sustained by then Secretary of State John Kerry

  4 Larry King Live, 8 October 1999

  5 Tweet directed at Cher, 13 November 2012

  6 Speech in Hilton Head, South Carolina, 30 December 2015

  I make this promise1

  I, Donald John Trump, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States2

  I promise I will never be in a bicycle race3

  I will not rename the White House4

  And I promise not to talk about your massive plastic surgeries that didn’t work5

  I promise. Thank you6

  1 Tweet, 8 August 2013

  2 Tweet referencing Apple, Inc. stock price drop, 28 January 2014